Officer: You're going to have to be completely honest with me... even if you get uncomfortable. Do you understand?
Me: Um... yeah.
The day started pretty normal, well... normal enough for a big job interview. I had gotten up, preshowered the night before because I hate it when my hair is wet.
I put on a black suit with knee high boots and a pinkish button up shirt - mainly because the two that I had brought didn't really work, and it was the only shirt Andrea owned that encompassed my breasts. I didn't want to look like a whore... so I buttoned it all the way up.
I spent 20 minutes in the McDonald's drive thru trying to get a cup of iced coffee... I found it bizarre and almost genious that the Richmond McD's has a drive thru that is surrounded by curbs and bushes... once you're in, you're in. So I sat there... and having left the house an hour early I knew I didn't need to worry.
I circled the police building twice, pondering where I should park since I had been warned my meeting would take the better part of the day. My first choice was in the alley, I smoked a cigarette and felt oddly comforted by the small geo metro parked directly infront of me sporting "Chicks Rule" and rainbow stickers.
However, the giant parking sign that warned of two hour then tow procedure. Despite the fact I thought it would be humorus to have my car towed while interviewing for the police academy I decided to move.
I circled a few more times, then finally decided on a small gas station parking lot directly across from the building. They had the same signs for towing... but I figured anyone getting paid minimam wage to sit in a gas station wasn't exactly going to be keeping tabs on customers and cars.
You have a client in trouble? You're too pretty to be in a mess yourself.
I might have actually blushed had I not been focused on my coffee and the fact that my interviewer was late by 20 minutes now. I turned in my chair to see who had complimented me when I saw a man in full camo uniform, a solider.
Turns out he was a recruiter... and much to my uncomfort I was left to talk to the man for the better part of half an hour. He told me about his wife and marriage... and then proceeded to tell me if I needed a friend in Richmond he would love to take me out... you know, show me the night life.
At the peak of my discomfort an extremely tall man came up to me, when I stood up I came to belly. Good first image... tiny little girl.
He led me thru several locked doors and down a series of hallways, he had to slow down on several occassions just so I could catch up, again - another strong impression.
300 questions... shit I couldn't even recall or remember they asked me about... I would have felt violated had it not been voluntary. But it went quickly... I was asked to sign three different vouchers that said I was telling the truth.
Then they sent me downstairs.
Back in the seat again, waiting... luckily my solider had moved on and I now watched as arrested sex workers and we be druggies were walked past to get fingerprinted. It was almost cleche... like I was on a television show.
It was almost an hour before a man opened the solid door infront of him, he was a larger man... reminded me instantly of James Earl Jones. His thick accent was a mixture of Jamacian and southern American, oddly comforting.
He talked to me for a while, explaining the process of a polygraph and then he said he had 54 questions for me. I was suppose to answer truthfully.
JEJ: How many times in your life have you smoked pot?
Me: I... um, well... I told the guy upstairs that it was probably 5 or 6 times. But... it's more, but no more than 20!
I tried to defend myself, honestly I can't remember... I grew up with hippies, I've been around people that smoke it my whole life, but I know I've never really liked it. I stuck by my estimation.
JEJ: Have you ever forged another person's signature on offical or legal documents?
Me: No.... well... I've signed my mother's name on college papers. Forged gym and sick notes.
He laughed at me, it was becoming obvious that I had started to get really worried about this whole TRUTH situation. Any feeling of 'bad ass' that I felt about myself was crushed as he talked to me. However the best question nearly made me laugh so hard I cried.
JEJ: Have you ever had sex with a dead person, or helped dig up a deceased person, have you ever participated in the violation of a corpse for sexual pleasure on your's or anyone else's behalf.
Me:.................. *dies laughing*...... no!
I couldn't help it, it was the best question I had ever been asked. I wanted to say yes, just to see his face, but I couldn't.
Out of those 54 he chose 10 to polygraph me on. I was strapped into the chair, unfortunately it wasn't in a more pleasant situation. I stared at the wall as he asked... and it was my damn luck he asked that question again.
I couldn't move... couldn't laugh, sat still and quietly answered No.
The rest of the day went quickly, I passed my polygraph and was informed that I would hear back something in 3 - 6 months. Fanfuckingtastic.
There, that should answer your questions about the test.
